Hiking

A few years ago I bought hiking shoes. They were hard and unforgiving but did work great on rocky surfaces. I used them on a trip to Australia and New Zealand where I hiked up to the melting glacier beside Mount Cook. And yes those hikers were heavy. We had to scrub them clean in order to get back into Australia so we didn't bring dirt in from a foreign country.

Hooker Glacier, Mount Cook, New Zealand. February 2009

Over the past couple of years I have mostly been walking on paved pathways, but since taking up Nordic walking with my poles am trying out rougher ground. My poles collapse so I'll be packing them for our trip. They give an amazing upper body workout by pushing off while hiking. Great workout for the triceps.

With lots of hiking, walking, trekking planned for our upcoming trip to Ireland, I splurged on new hiking shoes. And what a difference a few years make. They are so lightweight. Lighter than my runners. They might look like runners but the sole is quite firm.

MERRELL AVIAN LIGHT LEATHER

NORDIC POLES WITH TINY LITTLE BOOTS

If only the weather didn't suck so much. We've had almost continuous rain and severe thunderstorms making it is hard to find an hour or so to actually get outside. But there are lots of mountains and glaciers and rocky paths to conquer. 

I'm on a mission! Onward.

Sandy

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It's a New Day—Rebirth of a Blog

I read my first blog entry written in 2012 and decided that it was a pretty good reason to get back at it. I will admit that I never imagined the changes that I'd go through in the last 7 years. Today as I write again, I can now say I am 65, retired, Amma (Grandmother) to two little ones and a widow. It also reminded me of a quote I embraced:

"Enjoy the life you have, even though it may not be the life you planned."

Here's my first post to this blog in 2012 (still relevant today):

Today I turn 58, born March 15th, 1954, the Ides of March.

And so today, this blog is also born.

For more than two years, I have blogged—a journey of weight loss to health. 40 pounds gone and working on the last 10. I’ll go into that in another post because my timeline of life has become much more than losing weight.

As I blogged away, I realized there was a bunch of other stuff rolling around in my brain. Losing weight, I discovered was not about losing the pounds. There was so much more to why I let myself get fat in the first place and blogging helped bring out some of the demons — and also some serious reflection.

I have a dear friend who I met on-line. No, not a dating site. She was one of my weightloss buddies who also blogged and I so enjoyed her writing. In early 2011 she suffered the tremendous loss of her husband and the rawness of her pain could be felt through cyberspace. We later met in person and it was as if we had been friends forever.

As I watched her pick herself up from the ashes and move forward, it inspired me to rethink where I was in life and where I wanted to go. I had been focusing on weight loss issues for so long and like a light-bulb moment, came to realize my life was much more than losing weight. She might not know it but through her re-invention this past year, I too have dug deep to see what really is important. In one of her posts she spoke of trying to put together the puzzle of her life and I guess that too is where I am.

But it was one of her quotes that started my brain change:

"All I can tell you is that it’s important to look at your life and figure our where you are and what truly makes you happy... "

To which someone responded: 

"Enjoy the life you have, even though it may not be the life you planned."

The Winds of Change

Over the last few months, as I lost interest in blogging about weight loss, or actually no weight-loss, what I ate each day, how I measured food, cooked the food, ate the food...

I connected with so many others through our various blogs and even met a bunch of them in person. They are my forever peeps who I adore and love for always being there.

But a funny thing happened as time moved on. A few of these bloggers whose blogs inspired me, dropped out and stopped posting. I have kept in touch in other ways (Facebook, e-mail), but I think they too found it hard to keep saying the same old stuff over and over again. It became a chore. It wasn't why I had started blogging and it turned my thinking into what I want to do to make the best of the rest of MY days.

Which spawned the blog name. And a wind. For change.

The photo at the top of my blog is from a picture I took in Varadero, Cuba a few years ago. I kept waiting for the people to leave the beach but it didn't happen. And the sun kept going down. Now with cropping I see I captured one lone soul walking the beach into the sunset. It could just as easily be someone walking into a sunrise. Take your pick. I'm still trying to figure out if I am winding down or just getting my second wind in life.

This blog will grow (or collapse from neglect). I do it for me but if you can gain any insight from it, please follow along. There will be bits and pieces of This and That. Some Flotsam and some Jetsam. What I do know is that I am still a work in progress. I haven't yet figured out "What I want to be when I grow up".

But what I have learned over the years have led me to this point. I really haven't had a master plan. I find blogging is a bit of a GPS to help me get to where I'm going. Although the final destination has not been decided nor what I will do along the way. Will I take detours and side tracks? Will I go where the wind blows me?

Then again, it might be best to throw away all the devices and just experience an unplanned, uncharted journey for the Rest of My Days.

Sometimes you won’t know until you take that first step.
Sandy

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Seeking Happiness

I survived the first year of "widowhood". That year of firsts without Tim: first Christmas, first New Year, first birthdays, first...

Year 2 is actually harder than the first. I think the first year is filled with all sorts or post-death activities that your brain can't really process much other than getting off your bum each day and doing something productive. I find in these quiet times that writing is helpful to me. I've been writing draft entries but finally decided it was time to publish.

I want to be happy. I think I am happy but maybe I need to look closer at what that actually means. 

I can feel myself slowly and surely coming out of the bubble that is grief. I will never get "over" losing Tim but if I want to live a productive and happy life, I need to look after me. And that means delving into some of the things that roared into my life last year. I will not blame me or anyone else. Life just happens. I get such inspiration from quotes about life, death and just living in the moment.

2018 wasn't the year I expected. In January I retired at 64. Well 64 minus a few weeks. Then more cancer deaths all through the year, 3 close friends and a sister. It was rather stunning to lose so many within a few months. I do worry that I am blocking some of this grief—my body's way of protecting me. I have cried, and cried, and cried and will never get over this profound loss. I gave it my all when Tim had his diagnosis, surgery, recovery and finally in his last days. But I also worry that I too will get sick if I don't come to terms with all that is going on. 

I have very close friends who have stepped up and pulled me through the last two years. They were always there dragging me out for walks or dinner or letting me talk and laugh about Tim. They too were close to Tim and we keep his memory alive. I take strength from them and now as some of them are also going through a rough time, I am trying my best to give them the support that they lavished on me. 

Blogging in the past helped me release some of the anxiety of just looking at me. I was worth it. I'm stubborn, expressive, kind, pretty, give my heart and soul to those around me. I feel that I have always been the one to try to make things right. But not this time. I have matured and see things differently than before. It's not up to me to make everyone happy. It's up to me to make "me" happy. 

I say what I mean and as I get older the filter is less and less. Fuck it! It is what it is, it was what it was and it'll be what it will be. Lots of quotes right now bring me peace.





















My kids and grandkids have been good for me. We just got back from an amazing family trip to Disney World and Universal. My treat—wow, expensive. But I tell them I'm taking it out of their inheritance, haha. There were some irritations but we all sucked it up to make it a good time for all. This was Tim's legacy to us—to take another family vacation together. He couldn't come with us this time but he was in our hearts. As my granddaughter says, we have our remembers. She is now 8 and grandson is 6. They sort of remember their Ampa but do not really understand why he isn't physically around. Pictures help. Another quote: "If you don't think photos are important, wait until they are all you have left". 

Today I do feel happy. I try to be positive and not be sucked into the abyss of negativity. I can get through today, just as I got through yesterday and the day before that.

The sun is shining. The snow is shoveled and spring and summer will eventually come. There is so much promise in the future. I just have to learn to take it one day at a time and just let things happen. And just realized today is Valentine's Day. Tim and I didn't do much. Usually we made a nice dinner, he finally learned to buy me chocolate and we agreed that everyday should be special with the ones you love. So I made myself a nice dinner and ate it with a little too much wine while I watched Bohemian Rhapsody on the big screen downstairs. Blasted the music and loved it all. Tim would have loved the movie. 

Then I had some chocolate. Cause chocolate does make me happy. 

Sandy

February 14, 2019

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