Seeking Happiness

I survived the first year of "widowhood". That year of firsts without Tim: first Christmas, first New Year, first birthdays, first...

Year 2 is actually harder than the first. I think the first year is filled with all sorts or post-death activities that your brain can't really process much other than getting off your bum each day and doing something productive. I find in these quiet times that writing is helpful to me. I've been writing draft entries but finally decided it was time to publish.

I want to be happy. I think I am happy but maybe I need to look closer at what that actually means. 

I can feel myself slowly and surely coming out of the bubble that is grief. I will never get "over" losing Tim but if I want to live a productive and happy life, I need to look after me. And that means delving into some of the things that roared into my life last year. I will not blame me or anyone else. Life just happens. I get such inspiration from quotes about life, death and just living in the moment.

2018 wasn't the year I expected. In January I retired at 64. Well 64 minus a few weeks. Then more cancer deaths all through the year, 3 close friends and a sister. It was rather stunning to lose so many within a few months. I do worry that I am blocking some of this grief—my body's way of protecting me. I have cried, and cried, and cried and will never get over this profound loss. I gave it my all when Tim had his diagnosis, surgery, recovery and finally in his last days. But I also worry that I too will get sick if I don't come to terms with all that is going on. 

I have very close friends who have stepped up and pulled me through the last two years. They were always there dragging me out for walks or dinner or letting me talk and laugh about Tim. They too were close to Tim and we keep his memory alive. I take strength from them and now as some of them are also going through a rough time, I am trying my best to give them the support that they lavished on me. 

Blogging in the past helped me release some of the anxiety of just looking at me. I was worth it. I'm stubborn, expressive, kind, pretty, give my heart and soul to those around me. I feel that I have always been the one to try to make things right. But not this time. I have matured and see things differently than before. It's not up to me to make everyone happy. It's up to me to make "me" happy. 

I say what I mean and as I get older the filter is less and less. Fuck it! It is what it is, it was what it was and it'll be what it will be. Lots of quotes right now bring me peace.





















My kids and grandkids have been good for me. We just got back from an amazing family trip to Disney World and Universal. My treat—wow, expensive. But I tell them I'm taking it out of their inheritance, haha. There were some irritations but we all sucked it up to make it a good time for all. This was Tim's legacy to us—to take another family vacation together. He couldn't come with us this time but he was in our hearts. As my granddaughter says, we have our remembers. She is now 8 and grandson is 6. They sort of remember their Ampa but do not really understand why he isn't physically around. Pictures help. Another quote: "If you don't think photos are important, wait until they are all you have left". 

Today I do feel happy. I try to be positive and not be sucked into the abyss of negativity. I can get through today, just as I got through yesterday and the day before that.

The sun is shining. The snow is shoveled and spring and summer will eventually come. There is so much promise in the future. I just have to learn to take it one day at a time and just let things happen. And just realized today is Valentine's Day. Tim and I didn't do much. Usually we made a nice dinner, he finally learned to buy me chocolate and we agreed that everyday should be special with the ones you love. So I made myself a nice dinner and ate it with a little too much wine while I watched Bohemian Rhapsody on the big screen downstairs. Blasted the music and loved it all. Tim would have loved the movie. 

Then I had some chocolate. Cause chocolate does make me happy. 

Sandy

February 14, 2019

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